"I knew I'd forever be attached to this place"

If I could just waste my days lying under that willowtree all over again. Collect worms in trenches. Practice pop routines on a hill. Squeeze a handful of generation on a plain. Run the area of what used to be farm. Walk around in bare feet. Hide in washroom stalls and climb them like a jungle gym. Slip on playground ice infront of older brothers. Pretend to be doing a tap number up the stairs. Laugh at flinging food for three years. Create clubs, alliances, girl bands. Be read children's books again. Race to mature. Chase the younger boys and snicker with your best friend. Ignore that everyone may think you're too crazy. Let your breath stop cause you're just laughing too much. Admire everyone's baby teeth in a smile.

How to find Self

This is control. Five months of being astray. Five months to get to know a person. It's for the why's and the how's that help get you by. It was going around without a map to find no x. Searching for origins, scapegoats, the reconstruction.

Excerpts from a 4:16AM Monologue

But I know that people don’t change all that much. I didn’t want to pay attention to it, but at the back of my head I always had a hunch that this could just be some dumb revenge plot. Your timing of everything makes it look like it was. And you even told me to trust you. Luckily for me, there’s a giant blank of reality for me to miss and you’ll be gone for so long during my first legal summer so it’s pretty okay. But you manipulated me still and kept me on an emotional and mental leash instead of a physical one this time. You were misleading not playing. I applaud you for being so sinister. And in fact I kinda thank you for this mistake. For sharpening my radar, making me hypercritical of cutesy only a few words responses, less tolerate for the hot and cold, and for reminding me that I do have a heart.

My, my, my

I really wonder what made this Thursday okay? It could've been my cat lying at my feet and then coming to my side. I haven't woken up to affection in quite some time. Maybe it was cause I jumped to a spontaneous offer. When I didn't glance to the dirt pile on the right? Dinner and dessert with family like a fatty vacation sounds like a treat. Shoe shopping therapy is the only real therapy. Not being alone at home maybe. Could have been stricken by smiles while reading what I started and still won't finish just cause it's so good and I wanna absorbed everything that is illuminated. The day's song was Skinny Love and you ran through my brain a bazillion km. But I was able to ignore that and be fascinated with what I actually have. Please don't be a fake shift.

Because it hurts to take the TTC

Walking during the day means a Tom's tan and the library. Some stalking to some degree, and singing to myself. Walking at sundown means missing the sun that sets behind the walker heading east for no reason at all. Paranoia til you're forced to turn back. Everyone else wondering why you're all alone. Rollerblading during the day brings wet armpits but a smooth street car free. At night it means missing all of the cracks and freaking yourself out. May contain some sort of wheeled pacing back and forth while cursing a small hand held device. If I were to go for a run during the day, everyone would see my panting red face and I'd return home with a pimple or ten. Unless if a run were to take place at 6:30AM or earlier. Sun rising to your left, Saturday street all to yourself, a park bench to rest on, and a reason to be grateful that you're alive. But in the night you wish it was Victoria Sunday fireworks all the time, but no, it's wanting to end the day knowing that you can still breathe.

Excerpts from a 4:16AM Monologue

I don't know if you ever got it or not but you caught me at my most vulnerable. I started to let my guard down because...well I still don't want to say it so… (no, not love, don’t freak out or congratulate yourself) But I trusted you. I really trusted you. And I felt that it meant alot,--given the fact that I wanted nothing to do with you previously. It did mean alot to me. It terrified me that I was willing to let you in again. And I kept giving myself excuses to retreat but naturally I floated into you. The whole thing made my four year protest seem useless, I felt like I was losing, but I also felt okay with it. I thought the irony of the whole situation was the most beautiful and hopeful thing.

Dancing in the dark across the park

There's a hermit man in B.C. who lives alone in a wooden house stashed far in a mountain's greenery. He lives with a tree climbing raccoon and a bed hogging pig. Sir feeds bears. I'm inspired by him. I don't want everyone anymore. I don't want anyone everymore. Don't I want you anymore? Around my neck hangs an antique destination in sterling silver. Along the coast of potatoes, blueberries, and lobster. I wanted to get you a pendant too. Would you think of my favourite things?

Excerpts from a 4:16AM Monologue

It was exciting because I've never acted this way with anyone.

I really was gonna wait for you.

Excerpts from a 4:16AM Monologue

And then you said that you were trying to be a good guy this time.

Excerpts from a 4:16AM Monologue

Since then, I've never been able to honestly take anyone seriously when they'd use the word love--myself included--which closed me away from many happy endings that I refused to get into because of that one time you said it to me. Perhaps later on you realized that it didn't mean anything and I always convinced myself that it was just something said to get me to stay, but for whatever context it was meant to hold, its meaning was just invalid and forever a tainted memory for me. It's like you ruined the fairytale.

I spent the whole weekend trying to remember this song

Hi, I never really got around to talk. And come come over tonight we'll play catch up in the rainy weather. Where I will kiss you on your forehead, and take your hand. So you will never leave my side. So you will never leave my side! Leave it all across the floor. Leave it all across the floor. I believe in love like the movies. And we'll walk barefoot through these streets on open roads in fairy tales. Hey, I never ever found the words to say... Meet me at the palace and we'll smoke that cigarette. And I will never try to argue again. This is the last time, the last time we will ever fight. Leave it all across the floor...leave it all across the floor... I believe in love like the movies and we'll walk barefoot through these streets on open roads in fairy tales! Cross your fingers for...us. No, no let me show you it's like this. I gotta get out. Cross your fingers for us, no no let me show you it's like this...it's like this. I believe in love like the movies and we'll walk barefoot through these streets on open roads in fairy tales. I believe in love like the movies, patience is everything, and we'll walk barefoot through these streets, I don't care, on open roads in fairy tales, I'm just a hopeless romantic so... Just leave it all across, just leave it all across the floor. Just hold it back.

More than I can handle

It's been a week and I still can't put words to all of this muck in my head. A trillion scrunched up paper balls that I won't even throw into the waste bin. I spent nights in my brother's bed to get away. That didn't help as much as I thought. The echo made me feel emptier. Rough drafts everywhere. Occupying my eyes and hands with scribbles and doodles that mean everything.

It's bad because...

I let the cat do it. I didn't need the Sleepy Pillow Spray for the last few nights. Now I'm using mascara again. I feel Continuum. I've been hiding in the shower. I had the energy to run right after my dreams. Everyone seems to be concerned. I'm always stretching. I can't focus on reading. I feel like sharing secrets. It hurts to stay in bed. I don't even go into my duvet anymore. I'm begging for attention. It's bad because I think I won't be clinging onto it for so long but I am temporarily bruised and forever paranoid.

Bang Bang

So bad that I can't even write. Can't explain. I'm still.

I look at you and smile because I'm fine

That was me saying that I'm gonna wait. And I'll try to do so positively, willingly, patiently. Nope, I've never seen this version of me.

You were on my list

There was one fuss. You put a band-aid over it after a few minuets. Because of this, because of you, I woke up every morning to wrap myself up in heavy blankets. I felt assured that you'd be there. Baby tell me where'd you go for days and days. I reunited with old CDs, I was going through the exact same shit the last time I listened to them years back. It makes me laugh and it makes me sick to my stomach. Wait alone a month for only three weeks and then gone for three months. This was the big second chance that I never in the right mind ever imagined to happen. And the make believe-- that's what got me. There's no sunshine through my window when I wake up at 8, sometimes 7am.