Now That I've Given You Permission To Read My Blog...

You asked me, "How do you know when you love someone?" To be honest, I didn't quite know how to respond without saying the things that I've said or written before. So I stated what I could, but I've been working on an answer that could've meant so much more. But basically, you have shown a brand new insight that has caused me to be so openly happy; and that insight is love. You just fill me with an unexplainable joy that cannot be replaced by any other boy. You're simply great. You know how I keep thinking that this all makes no sense? And you know how I always say I love the things that make no sense? Well look at this senseless outbreak of teenage love that we've got in our hands. "Do you love it?" I think I do. If there's anyone in the world that I'd enjoy making no sense with, it'd be you. You've filled that hole in the middle of me with your own attention; an attention that I can feed off of for a lifetime. A lifetime. That's not a promise, that's not a goal, that's not a word I'd just throw around; but what it is is the mindset that I'll never regret, even at the very devastating end. Thank you for finding a home for my heart, and clasping my hand with your own. You've brought me to fields of sunshine and die hard happiness.

Just when I feel my breath is running out. The earth moves and you find me. Alive but unworthy. Broken and empty. But you don't care. Cause you are my rapture. You are my saviour. When all my hope is gone. I reach for you. Cause you are my rescue.

I'm Pushing Up Daisies

Current Song: Rescue by Seabird

Is it weird that I have nothing to say when I'm happy? Is it weird that I'm using apostrophes? I just smile when I'm happy. I don't think. I can't think. Especially beside the boy. I love that feeling. It's great. We've taken our secret life to the streets, to the homes, to the wherever. And thank God it's all the same. You don't know how great it feels to act so natural around someone. I've never thought that I'd feel this natural in front of someone of romantic interest. I love love love it!

I'm pushing up daisies/I wish they were roses/I feel like I'm drowning/But no body knows it

Unfortunately that was unsuccessful in trying to sound romantic. But it truly is...if you've heard the whole song. And I'm so glad that there's gonna be three new episodes of Pushing Daisies to finish off the series, which of course is sad. But I'm happy with what I get.

+This gives me an idea for another post!

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps?

I just looked back on my blogs, and I lied. I full fledged lied. I didn't meet anyone on the next entry in 30 mins. I did not even write the draft I wanted to say. But I clearly remember what I wanted to say. So here it is:

What happened that night? Some sort of clear air in my head, a tingling feeling in my legs, a stench clogged in my nose. It could only mean one thing; but I won't say it. I mean, I don't feel damage. Actually yes I tend to later on. What am I doing? Who am I talking to? Who does this effect? What is the cause? Am I really getting any kicks out of this? Well I can create various answers for all of these questions and more. But bottom line is- there is no bottom line. I know exactly what I'm doing. It's not really effecting anyone right now, no one's telling me to stop, and if people did...well I know I would cut down. Some days, actually more like months ago, I used to just do it to see how far people would let me go before telling me to stop. I constantly create tests for people to show me how much they care. I don't think that many people get them though. I know I think opposite of- whatever this is off topic.
The altitudes are exciting. My memory is defected. My senses are enhanced. The footprints of danger are at my every step. Actually you know what? My only problem with this whole issue is my memory. I remember everything that happens, good and bad. But I feel like I'm losing out on simple concepts that occur shortly after or before. My memory is damaged. These are things that I need to hold onto. Useless or not, they appear for some reason right?

Yea it's embarrassing.

The Look On Your Face Could Light Up A Room

I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD I MISSED IT!
Why is time so off?! Why did they start so damn early?! Why did we come so damn late?!
DANG DANG DANG DANG DANG DANG DANG!
Ho sweeeet Jesus I wish I never missed this momento.

And That's The Way I Like It

I didnt write about it the day it happened. I shouldve though. Im trying really hard to think of what to say about this but I can't. It's become extremely hard for me to get a straight story. This is another self-observation; I change up my stories all the time! K I'm dying of tiredness.

...I thought that maybe two days later I'll continue the draft I totally forgot about...

You make me feel unfiltered. You make me feel uncomfortable. You overload a jolt of extreme electricity to run through my body. I enjoy the scent that you leave on my clothing. I admire the feel of your cheek upon mine. I believe that I adore your smile as much as your mother does. We dove head first into a bubble of our own world away from what everyone else has created to be a mess. Beyond captivating. But just below by half a level to what I find to be perfect. I love it when we're just lying together, your head on my shoulder, your eyes are closed, I'm watching over you, kissing your forehead like a child. You make me feel like a child. I hope I make you feel something. I feel more of use, not being used, but I can feel my reasoning now. No matter my height, I feel you leaning on me, I'm the hand you hold to guide you. The light you look for in the dark. The reason for the smile on your face. You'll make me smile because I make you smile and that'll just make me smile even more, then you'll smile harder because I'm making a ridiculous face, but as that's going on, I'm still smiling because you've entangled me with your own smile- and the cycle will continue. I'm confident that this will work. I don't even need to reassure myself. You make a beautiful "raison d'être." Too bad you suck too much at French to understand that. HA-HA. :)

Not Clever Enough To Make Up A Title.

How do I think? Well, I helped my friend with a point for her essay, and the teacher wrote a comment saying that the point was stated awkwardly. I've gotten that many times in my own essays. Hey why isnt it essaies. like daisies. Maybe it is essaies. But that looks awkward. You see, these are the types of things I think about. When I speak, I usually take pauses so that I can get the proper words out of my mouth. However, they still end up not making sense half of the time. I came up with a very good excuse to why this always happens, but I forgot. The words that are jumbled in my mind, aren't big nor are they small. The sentences that I pull off make sense, but not to everyone. Which is weird don't you think. Well what I believe is that I make sense to a certain type of sense. I don't know what I say to confuse people, or create awkward sentences. But in reality, if it makes sense to me, then it should make sense to everyone. I'm not doing this right and I know why. I'm gonna do another one. Meet you on the next blog in like 30 mins. I enjoy being a weird one.

I keep a sinister smile, and a hole in my heart

Here's to the start of my letting-the-world-know-how-I-feel hobby. My very first personal note. I am very proud of it. I do not hate the memories at which it brings. I do not know if I loathe the person i wrote about. Every word was crushing to write and every detail describes how I wanted to say everything to you at one point. When its italics, I want to present something beautifully with grace. When words are in bold, I want them to be meaningful. When anything was underlined, I wanted people to understand what I wish I didn't. When phrases are crossed out, they're things I wish I never said, felt, or thought. When something is tiny, its just a piece of meaning that I want no one to know. And When they're in giant, I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. And here it is:


i started writing this two weeks ago, and it's taken me longer than i thought to sum everything all up. i was inspired by the lack of interest and importance i am now to someone. you really mean a lot to me. well i wanna say you used to. but i know i can't think that forever. i don't know why, but that's just how it goes.

This time I'm dressed to kill and we're killing time wishing it was each other.

i've figured it out. you're the one that made me sick to my stomach.i dont even know where to start. you're just so different. we're so different now. remember the days when we'd run a mile to each other just to say hi. remember when you'd beg me to chill. remember when we just used to get a kick outta waving at each other? fcuk i hate this. now i don't even receive much of a glare. i'd love to think that it's your lost. but really i was the one who took you for granted, twice probably. but we used to mean so much to each other. it just seems like in such a little amount of time, i suddenly lost one of my closest friends. you just make me sad every time i see you.
for what seemed like a long while, i was able to remove you from my thoughts. but then one day, everything just started to refer to only you. i wish we were in a movie. where time would fly by so fast and we wouldn't even have to live through every sad moment. we'd just show a few clips of frustration and tears. then one day, we'd see each other. and regain what was lost.
i'm not satisfied with this way of living right now. i just want out. it's not even that i miss the what we've been through in these recent events. i just miss everything about you till then. a year later, and i'm pretty much back where we started. i've pretty much gone to the point where i'm starting to wish that i never met you. but really that's not what i wish for. and i won't say what i do really wish for, or else it won't come true. trust me it works.
but enough with this. you're neglect towards me has made me start new things. thats probably the only thing i can benefit from you now. i was trying to keep an image. i stopped wearing make up so that it doesn't look like i put any effort into trying to impress you. i stayed up till 3am so that i can just stare at an object to get you off my mind and out of my dreams. i hung pictures on my walls so that it doesn't look like how it was the last time you were here.
i'm starting to realize that it'll take longer than i thought to repatch everything. we're getting to distant. and you and i don't care anymore. most likely you won't even notice this, and if you did, you wouldn't even care. but i don't even care of you notice. its this new kind of mutually non-mutual kind of performance we're acting upon. silence isn't as golden as they say it is. this silence speaks in great volumes. i dont like it. fate and coincidences have brought me to my senses. and i'm gonna start looking for another you. but i know you're not replaceable. but it's okay. i'll work my way with time. and wait for it like how i told you to wait so many months ago.
so keep on flipping through them like pages and i hope you end up unhappy.

I Can't Believe My Head

What if we didn't use our hands while we were kissing. Why do we feel like we have to touch. I'm sure that it would look funny if we just stood hands by our side. But that would be double- no triple, the entertainment. We will enjoy our not so intertwined passion. Passerbys would giggle at the sight of two teenagers looking slum and inactive. I would just shrug it off and continue with the humourous act lacking of scandal. Nothing feels better than love and laughter, and it'd be best to mix the two together. It's double the happiness, an increase in smiles and memories. I want a funny love. We'll be a funny looking couple. I'll always wear funny looking clothes. We'll make funny faces, or even no faces at all, just for kicks. We won't hold hands but we'll stand side to side every step of the way. We'll never speak of the future, only the present. I don't want your arm around my shoulder, I can just tilt my head to it instead. If we're ever in a bed, we'll be sleeping. These are the images that I like to see when I picture what it'll be like to always be around you.

I DO NOT LIE

Well I kinda do. I'm talking about one topic again, however...a different subject. This is actually the first time, in what seems to be a while, that the routine is effortless. The past remains refreshing. Battle grounds will probably be set. But if we play our cards right. This secret world will only be ours. These look like happy times. I make you happy at times. You seem to make me happy all the time. I'm balancing on my toes for two reasons. And I'm feeling a new type of high. Hahaha, I feel so relieved. So relaxed. So admired. You make me feel great. Beautiful. Unfortnately, I don't know what it is. But it feels like it could work out. If we were in a different world. Maybe it'd work out even better. But this is more than a great start. I'm glad you're not a pussy anymore. That goes for me too. Ha-ha.

It's Simple

The mother is a great woman.

I Have A New Interest

After, not even hours, but rather courses, of realization; the material in my blog seem very one-toned. It's as if all I think about is one person, one wish, one hope, one love. When really- well I guess it is somewhat true on some days (most days)- but point is: I AM NOT A LOVESICK CHILD! So there's a boy, it's gone no where, it looks like it's going no where. WE'LL GET OVER IT! It doesn't matter, it TRUELY doesn't. I'll change my topics, I promise. I don't want to think about it anymore either. It's history. Nice knowin' ya. Out the window. AUEVOIR.

But for the record: "His attention filled the hole in the middle of me."

Every Moment Before This One Depends On This One.

I just hope that all of this waiting around is worth it in the end. If that moment finally comes to me, and by fate, I don't have to hesitate or even think about what to do, then I'll know, I'll know for certain that the time that i think is being wasted, was actually just a work of suspense.

+ I have held a complete fasination with this book, since I saw the cover.