I keep a sinister smile, and a hole in my heart

Here's to the start of my letting-the-world-know-how-I-feel hobby. My very first personal note. I am very proud of it. I do not hate the memories at which it brings. I do not know if I loathe the person i wrote about. Every word was crushing to write and every detail describes how I wanted to say everything to you at one point. When its italics, I want to present something beautifully with grace. When words are in bold, I want them to be meaningful. When anything was underlined, I wanted people to understand what I wish I didn't. When phrases are crossed out, they're things I wish I never said, felt, or thought. When something is tiny, its just a piece of meaning that I want no one to know. And When they're in giant, I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. And here it is:


i started writing this two weeks ago, and it's taken me longer than i thought to sum everything all up. i was inspired by the lack of interest and importance i am now to someone. you really mean a lot to me. well i wanna say you used to. but i know i can't think that forever. i don't know why, but that's just how it goes.

This time I'm dressed to kill and we're killing time wishing it was each other.

i've figured it out. you're the one that made me sick to my stomach.i dont even know where to start. you're just so different. we're so different now. remember the days when we'd run a mile to each other just to say hi. remember when you'd beg me to chill. remember when we just used to get a kick outta waving at each other? fcuk i hate this. now i don't even receive much of a glare. i'd love to think that it's your lost. but really i was the one who took you for granted, twice probably. but we used to mean so much to each other. it just seems like in such a little amount of time, i suddenly lost one of my closest friends. you just make me sad every time i see you.
for what seemed like a long while, i was able to remove you from my thoughts. but then one day, everything just started to refer to only you. i wish we were in a movie. where time would fly by so fast and we wouldn't even have to live through every sad moment. we'd just show a few clips of frustration and tears. then one day, we'd see each other. and regain what was lost.
i'm not satisfied with this way of living right now. i just want out. it's not even that i miss the what we've been through in these recent events. i just miss everything about you till then. a year later, and i'm pretty much back where we started. i've pretty much gone to the point where i'm starting to wish that i never met you. but really that's not what i wish for. and i won't say what i do really wish for, or else it won't come true. trust me it works.
but enough with this. you're neglect towards me has made me start new things. thats probably the only thing i can benefit from you now. i was trying to keep an image. i stopped wearing make up so that it doesn't look like i put any effort into trying to impress you. i stayed up till 3am so that i can just stare at an object to get you off my mind and out of my dreams. i hung pictures on my walls so that it doesn't look like how it was the last time you were here.
i'm starting to realize that it'll take longer than i thought to repatch everything. we're getting to distant. and you and i don't care anymore. most likely you won't even notice this, and if you did, you wouldn't even care. but i don't even care of you notice. its this new kind of mutually non-mutual kind of performance we're acting upon. silence isn't as golden as they say it is. this silence speaks in great volumes. i dont like it. fate and coincidences have brought me to my senses. and i'm gonna start looking for another you. but i know you're not replaceable. but it's okay. i'll work my way with time. and wait for it like how i told you to wait so many months ago.
so keep on flipping through them like pages and i hope you end up unhappy.