Empowerment

And as I listen to the positive and tainted songs of Florence + the Machine, I realize that my dog days are over and I am ready again for anew.

I had a "funny" idea yesterday to start a new blog to collect my progress and further development of whatever interest I have and the projects that it leads me towards. Like a Julie and Julia type of thang but not so careful, clean, and focused. Trips to the library and craft stores wil be fun and actually be given time, effort, and benefit. Oh how new life excites me!

Action Plan

I cannot remember the last time I willingly woke up. I haven't been up for facing the world in a while. But those days are over! The last three months were tough, I may come off as a quitter, but I'm glad that I finally feel alive. Deep breaths to take in all the life that I can now have.

Unfortunately I'll still have to pay my tuition, so I'll move over the online banking account to go under my name and I'll work both jobs still to pay off this debt hopefully before March so that I can still get my transcript. As for my two jobs, I'm gonna have to decide on which should be full time. All of my pay cheques will go to that online banking to York account. Swap my student account with RBC because I'm not a student at the momento. My parents gave me a laptop the day that I dropped everything. Although they're keeping it a secret from me that they won it, I'm still gonna treat this thing like a baby. She will travel with me to WiFi coffee shops and all that jazz soon. Before I left, I had registered at a community centre to get hours for my program. I could postpone that til January and go in once every week in a season to do my arts and crafts recreation. Kengsinton location anyways. Oh yea, morning shifts, afternoon shifts! So that dad doesn't have to travel far to pick me up. Also transfer to a Toronto location for winter season so that I can just take TTC. Must raise SPH if I want good shifts. Hustle Hustle. Eatons or Fairview. Calderone morning half shifts. I don't want to work Sundays anymore anywhere. Apply for colleges 3 weeks after my first tuition payment. Must start up a well worked portfolio! Will go to library to get interior design, architectural, art, cooking, children fiction, fiction books. Afternoons off I will make dinner for fam before dipping to work. I know I will gain, but now I have time to run. 2010 April I should have my G2. But I still want friends. And I can still have them. Strive to bring back family time, I was sad when brother told me that I'm never home anymore.

Money will go to paying off tuition, applying to colleges, and supplies for portfolio pieces. Time will go to working mornings and afternoons, working with my hands, trying to cook, maintaining shape, walks with friends, Sundays with fam, learning how to drive again.

Liberated

I can sleep tonight without having to shed a tear.

Not Living Up to The Name

I don't listen to music. I don't read anymore. I slip into bed when my eyes start shutting down on me. I trip and bump onto nothings for no reason. I constantly close my eyes to hope that when I open them I'll actually wake up as a 4 year old napping in her parents' maroon room. I want out.
Life is difficult without feeling. Constantly making walls, roaming alone, going back to memorial spots, watching old tv shows, listening to foreign music on repeat- avoiding everything and bringing in temporary supplies to fill voids. Some notice. I made this place private again, I wanted to find a way to let out everything that I want no one to know. Venting used to come natural to me too. Low self-esteem means nothing can be said. I'm getting what I want but I'm still unhappy. Will someone please solve this riddle. My weakness is showing and I just want these recent strong winds to blow me away from this storm. I don't see why I'm feeling alone with this one.

Inquiries

How many times have I heard "I'm really disappointed with you at the moment," from that familiar voice yet in so many different tones? I used to be easily shaken by the four syllables. But now I'm just used to them. Is it really selfish for me to actually protest and try to have a say in this contorted concept of "My Future?" Would it really damage me if I get up and go from this not so promising standard that was shoved into my face? Why does money make the world go round? This is what I need.

Explanations

I changed my almost 2 year old blog profile picture. My cat was small. My hair was long. My skin was pale. My figure was more petite. And my favourite shirt was that mint green men's vee. Things have changed.

Puffy Eyes

There's another topic that I'm embarrassed about and it's taken me a year to see that it is really a problem. I do say it aloud, but it's only deduced as a complete joke. I meant to fall asleep last night at 11, but instead I stayed up trying to write something out. I've never torn out a piece from that good ol' hardcover sketchbook of bullshit.

One

I'm too shy to write anything about it, but I'll let everyone know that it was a good night. A night so good that it didn't even matter if I missed Cougar Town. In fact, I didn't miss out on a new episode of Cougar Town at all. Therefore, a good night it was indeed.

Brain Fart from last week

Eli and Claire have urban adventures too. Only once a week. All my tweets are about me, I'm either a nars or just lonely. You are now a friend. I had the same problem last year, and it's coming harder this year. It's awesome how twin-ish we are, I'll dedicate an entry to you even though you won't see it. Still trying to get a hang of socializing. Too busy to do things that I've always dreamed of. I wish I could draw. Must get serious with school. Winter is coming, I need a new hairstyle. Where did my friends go? I really don't know why I teared up during Horton Hears a Hoo. Make up routine makes me sad. The best thing to do is reminisce about the 90s. I can't do well in things that I'm not meant for. Blog is crumbling again.

I would try to let you go if I could learn to picture it pt.2

This song is the only one that hurts me more than a little bit. My throat is getting dry, a little bit. And my voice is being strained- but just a little bit- from singing it too much in my basement infront of the computer like old nights and perhaps weekends. My favourite part is the ups and downs of the second verse; I would always love you more, More than a little bit. But perhaps I relate more to the similar tones of the first verse. This song is dragging me down, down a little bit.