Not Living Up to The Name

I don't listen to music. I don't read anymore. I slip into bed when my eyes start shutting down on me. I trip and bump onto nothings for no reason. I constantly close my eyes to hope that when I open them I'll actually wake up as a 4 year old napping in her parents' maroon room. I want out.
Life is difficult without feeling. Constantly making walls, roaming alone, going back to memorial spots, watching old tv shows, listening to foreign music on repeat- avoiding everything and bringing in temporary supplies to fill voids. Some notice. I made this place private again, I wanted to find a way to let out everything that I want no one to know. Venting used to come natural to me too. Low self-esteem means nothing can be said. I'm getting what I want but I'm still unhappy. Will someone please solve this riddle. My weakness is showing and I just want these recent strong winds to blow me away from this storm. I don't see why I'm feeling alone with this one.