...

I woke up assuming a chimp would pick up the phone. I stayed up till 3AM wishing that it was March Break Monday. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm losing my breath. I'm motionless. I stay up playing dress up all night. I scribble in my old agenda with only one pen. I don't think I'm ready. I lied. I still have not been hit by the reality of what we did. I hate when life feels like Degrassi. I haven't watched Living on the Edge in a week or two. And now I have things to do.

What's happening?

But it breaks my heart

I wan- I want to make you...

Laugh at the top of your lungs. Smile the smile that I can only adore. Skip because I saw you do it once when you left my house and it made me laugh. Sing like we always do. Think about anything and everything. Cherish only what we have. Happy at all times. Sad, so that we can say we've had that experience. Write in all honesty. Input effort into every little aspect. Beg to see me. Believe that it's more than just butterflies. Scared shitless when you don't hear from me. Feel.




because i am a horribly needy and selfish human being who questions every wonder and expects what is too difficult to meet. its not fair for anyone. kiss me so sweet and so soft.

I told You it'd be easy to find :)

Search the following:
Miles to Go- My Favourite Gal/ Multiple Bles8ings- A Crazy Mother/ Eight Little Faces- A Crazy Mother/ The Lazarus Project- Aleksandar Hemon/ Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close- Jonathan Safran Foer/ A Clockwork Orange-Anthony Burgess / Lolita- Vladimir Nabokov/ Women- Charles Bukowski (please include a personal message on the inside of the cover)
Pushing Daisies/ Laguna Beach/ Living On The Edge/ The O.C. (these would just be great to say I own, but my eyes would bleed if I watched them for a gazillion staright hours)
Holy Fuck/ Explosions In The Sky/ Vampire Weekend/ Taylor Swift/ Augustana/ A Rocket To The Moon/ John Mayor/ Regina Spektor/ Cat Power (things that can put me to sleep)
Sandels/ Sunglasses/ Ugly Hair Clip/ Shorts/ Gold/ Rings/ Bracelets/ Necklaces (idk?)

I don't need all of that, maybe not even two of them. Some may not even exist, or take a while to find. You could buy me something that You know I'll love and You'll hate. If I allowed You to do it the other way around, I`d probably be getting lingiré. And take me somewhere You've never ever gone with someone. Come up with something crafty looking and frame it. Don't be afraid to be corny. I like wood. I love cover songs. I'm fond of anything in water colours. Feathers are funny. I love old. I need things to decorate my room. I'm not very practical. I'm not a serious person when it comes to materialistic items and things that I can own. So I love crafts and I need to read. And of course I need to read something You've written. I'm weird and there'd never be such thing as a crappy gift from You. Ha-ha You have two weeks. Did this helpÉ (my question make turned into the accent e.)


+ki trfikeds tyol typ;ed wsitghy my btoled.
translated: i tried to type with my toe.

The thoughts of yesterday

I'm having a heart attack. You can be cruel. I don't think you're the jealous type. Please don't leave. I'm needy. I'm glad we're at a normal status. Stop ignoring me. You've brought out all of my antique happiness that we used to carry out of each other. Why do I keep getting hit? I hope no one sees. I can't wait till you go to prom. It's funny that you had no tickets and I had a bunch, it's reverse old times. What is this bullshit? Crossed arms make me look angry. Stop honking. I miss you, but we're too lazy to see each other. And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy, who changed his mind. Why don't you respond to what I say when we're with everyone? I love walking. I never want the lockdown that you two press upon yourselves. I wonder if anyone knows? I want you to look at me the way you're looking at her. Do I lack voice control? What the hell am I saying? I know who's not fond of me. I feel unfiltered and normal. I wanted better soup. Why am I still talking? I was expecting so much more. I shouldn't be telling these stories to you. Please don't fuck me over. Please don't fuck me over. Please don't fuck me over. I feel like Living On The Edge/Laguna Beach/The Hills/The City. I bet you've already taken back everything you said. I need a GOOD summer read. What the hell is the plan? I hate the way you walk. You're funny to watch. What are our real priorieties and why don't they coincide? I care too much. I feel like crying. Why aren't you here?

You make funny faces.

12 hours later and I can still feel the pressure. The friction. The elevating movement. I laid completely clueless of what to do for once. Breathless and gasping for anything. Noises sounding of cries. Skin pressed. I liked what I saw when my eyes were opened. I felt like laughing. I indulged in the very moments that immaculate our final frontier. Nothings better than the rush I get when you go in for the kill. I felt it today. I felt you today.

What am I doing?

I'm beginning to questions the way I write/think/blog. My writing hasn't been coming as natural to me as it used to. Half of it feels, perhaps forced. Or too lingered upon? I don't know. It just seems less genuine than it used to be. So I will write my next blog, when I feel that I have the right words. Although I already have two good ideas for two blogs, I will not perform them without them being of stable structure and significant meaning. New blogs will be written when they are 100% formally thought out and ready to be published.

That is all for now. (I'm sad about it too.)

We did nothing...

I have a terrible memory. My first memory is of us waiting in the hospital while my brother was being born. I was 2. From then on, I can't remember much. No specifics, no clue of ages, no sense of scenery. I just don't remember things. A majority of the memories that I can recall are all based on special printed paper. Transferred from strips and strips of precious rolls. Memory savers. Things for people like me. Thank God for pictures. Albums filled with birthday parties, park days, 90's outfits, a little girl and her tiny brother. My walls are mounted with some of the greatest times I've had and people that I'd like to say I've known well at one point or another. I'm sure my old computer had folders and folders of amazing nothings that used to tickle us pink, it sucks that that computer silently died on us. It's a good thing that I used to upload pictures on Facebook the night of any event. What hilarious characters we used to be. Dating from summer before grade 10, to the point that we lacked exciting events, and then when I finally lost my camera.
I can't take pictures with other devices the same way I used to take them with that tiny Pentax. Picture quality was always iffy, sometimes it would play weird tricks on me, uploading used to take forever. But it was the documenting experience that filled me with joy. And it still brings me back to life. Reminds me of the days when all we'd do was smile and pose. We looked weird. We dressed differently. Our hair was just of-the-moment. So many different friends. We had various places to call home. I had one best friend. Days when fun was clean. I didn't need a cell cause we always knew exactly where we'd be. Piggyback rides from little girls were entertaining. The sun was our best friend. Life was made up of friends and running free.
I'm not gonna say that I miss everything. I just don't understand how I threw it all away. What shuddered into me? I don't understand how we used to be the way we were. Squinty eyes and big smiles used to come from genuine funnies. Yeah, I enjoyed those days.

...but it seemed like we did so much, back then.

Lying in my bed...

I have never told anyone, but I was born with a hole in my heart. A hole in the middle of me. Of course doctors fixed that, but every once in a while, a great risk will slip into that hole and pour out just a foolish trickle of a value that I tend to value with my every being. For what may have been a long time, that treasure has been offered to the sources of oblivion, cruelty, and deceit, then finally I was hit by a Friday night. It felt bigger than a risk. Higher than the butterflies in my stomach. More momentous than the moments that led me to the very cause. I let you slip into my heart. I unwillingly gave you the endearing job of filling in that hole. I wanted you to keep the love in my heart and save it for yourself. Everyday I feel the progress. Everytime I see your eyes widen and your smile stretch, I know I'm doing my part too. My new goal is to put your happiness infront of mine. All I want to see is you smile. It warms my heart. It makes me feel. It makes me heartfelt.

+ this entry WOULD be inspired by Pushing Daisies (L)
...I hear the clock tick, and think of you.

It's a little bit funny...

...this feeling inside :)

I read over my notes. I text other people. I listen to covers. I listen to songs that you like. I take the bus on my own. I flip burnt pancakes by myself. I push the cat away from the door all on my own. I sit on my bed alone. I wear the shirt you picked out for me two days in a row. I miss you.
But nonetheless, I smile. This is proof that...

...oh heck, I'm not gonna make sense just for the fun of it. I hope it takes you a while to catch on and learn what it means. But *hinthint: It's the beautiful something that I whisper in your ear everyday.

sometimes i think im overly romantic.

I Take It All Too Seriously

Current Song: She's Mine by Brett Dennen

You ask me why? It's a shame that I even have to be asked why. Or that I even have a slight feeling of wanting to know why. I mean; why wouldn't I? I'll say it again in slightly different terms...

"I feel that we bring out the child in each other. Or at least he can bring out the child in me. He gives me a mixture of all of these wondrous feelings that I feel I haven't felt in quite a while, even though I deserve to. He offers me the comforting fact that someone does want to fill the hole in the middle of me. I really like it."

We laid in our own skin listening to White Horse all day. I wish life was forever like this. This simple. The things we do remark an elegance that's seen in my own eyes. I really like it.

I hope I'm not the only one falling.

As the laptop rests on top of my stomach I feel the hunger pains. The empty dome that wishes to be filled. But I don't get hungry at this time in the summer. I also feel the heavy breaths that I take. It's reassuring. Reassurance; the one component of improper perceptive truths that I keep searching for in all the wrong places. I shouldn't need to assure myself in this stance. But I do anyways. Sometimes i wish...I don't know.

What Abooot/What A Boot//I Need New Boots

This is the fou- oh, it's twelve now...dang. This could've been the fourth entry of the night. Which I find to be somewhat agitating, however, at the same time, it's pretty amazing. Having so much thoughts running through my mind in one set of a day. I am impressing myself. That feels goood. My excellence: Boyfriend, finished english essays, finished history essay, got my Stickam on, stepped into the DailyBooth...hmmmm

...I actually don't have much to be proud proud proud of. I don't even know what this blog is about. It's hitting me again...kinda. Not really. I'm just very tired. And I'm watching Miley Cyrus's Sweet 16 Birthday Cake Challenge...so I'm distracted. I want to end this entry, but I need to fill it with something of meaning. There always needs to be some sort of significance to a script of any type. But I'm really finding no hint of essential nature in this piece.

I'll make another post when I've got a proper topic to chit chat abooot.

Window

I think this ones the best out of the album you suggested to me ages ago. Yea, I still listen to it. When I need to concentrate. Before I go to bed. Those times when I need to figure something out. Days when I feel like being alone with my thoughts. Seconds when I need to remember to breathe. When I miss you. On the bus. Out on walks. The final sprint of my run. I don't understand why I'm so attached to these, and basically everything labeled with your name. I shouldn't be, and I don't enjoy the uncertainty that it brings. I was gonna question "But what else do I have?" but that'd be the most incorrect thing to say. You're just one person. (My heads saying "The one person that's changed everything,") There are other people. There are other moments. There are other truths. I guess yours were just my favourites. I'm itching, just itching.

~I hope I don't offend anyone.

It's This Thing Called PMS

All Again For You, All Over You, Almost Lover, Amsterdam, August Is Over, Beautiful In Los Angeless, Birds, Bittersweet, Bleeding Love, Boston, Bruised, Chasing Pavements, Cinderella, Dark Blue, Delicate, A Drop In The Ocean, Fire, Forever & Always, Forgive Me, The Greatest, Hallelujah, Hold Me Down, How My Heart Behaves, I'm Ready, If Only They Knew, Konstantine, My Stupid Mouth, No Such Thing, On Your Porch, The Resolution, Reverie, Say Yes, Scream, Slow Dancing In A Burning Room, Streetlights, Swallowed in the Sea, Sweet and Low, Sweet Tangerine, Thirteen, This Is the Future, To Be Alone With You, Transatlantisism, White Horse, Whoever She Is, You Are the Moon, You Belong To Me, Your New Twin Sized Bed, Your Song

----

The most liberating thing to do at the momento is found in the relinquishing nature of blasting up your music and screaming the most truthful and painful lyrics that establish an empowering courage to speak out and release the concave emotions that have been set at the bottom of the dormant volcano known as your very own brain. Alas, I hope I'm not breaking down again.

That Face of An Angel Comes Out Just When You Need It To

Current Song: White Horses by Taylor Swift/Stephen Jerzak

I just had a backtracking revelation (why didn't I just say flashback?) of basically everything that meant something to me in the total days of yesteryear from this date. (that sounds much more complicated than it should, I know I can't talk properly.) I can't believe that I was probably the most naive person anyone's ever known. I pretty much granted everyone permission to step on me and overtake full charge of my every move. I always felt as if I was the one who was independent and an achiever, but "I never really had a chance." (ha-ha this song is saying everything I wanted to say when I think it.) I created illusions and perceptions that were far from the truth, unrealistic, and too far-fetched to ever be lived up to by the people that I associated them with. I can't believe that I willingly entrusted these people with a certain direction of my life that I wanted them to fill, when it was obvious that they would never be able to step up to the plate and leave their own selfish circles and live for me. I'm finished with your excessive and spooky presence in this substantially unstable setting.

All of these repressing dreams and memories only enforce a more graceful and grateful self for the exceedingly passionate affair at which I so happily own. (and I just had a flash of Wonderful saying that he owns me, and I actually don't remember if it was real or not?)

The Best Knowledge From The Most Knowledgable Person I Know

"please love the person with your heart before you try it. infatuation is the illusion of love in circumstances of pleasure. if you take one thing out of this. ONE THING. from what i say. and i mean this on this topic more than any ive ever said. understand the significance of your actions, for yourself. true love is in fairy tales because its something so beyond comprehendable to a mind that processes butterflies in the stomach and happiness as love. you have a clean heart and a healthy conscious, you just have to stand up for yourself and your true views. its not everyday i say this to someone. i dont just write 3000 words for anyone. its because i believe i see the greatness in your heart and dont wanna see something like that go to waste like many others. i believe you will understand what is right."

I promise-PROMISE-I'll take all of this in. Memorize it for my brain, heart, and soul. Attach it to every string of cloth that I wear or don't wear. Braid it into the strands that fall upon my head. Mark it on my mental calendar and set it as a goal for my heart. I've never, and I never, receive this amount of promising advice in my life that will only do the very best for my life.You surface my life with the right ideals and trains of thought that have always shone a certain radiance upon me as if it is the only way it should be. I don't even want to know where I'd be if we never ever spoke. I'm jealous of everyone who ever makes more contact with you than I will ever in my lifetime. But I am happy with what I've got. Believe me when I say that you are The Most Knowledgeable Person I Know.