happ-y-ness hang-o-ver

noun

1. a blissful and numbing state of mind that occurs the morning after a good night*

2. when you can't do anything because your brain is forever spinning with the pieces of the previous night

3. the smile that I woke up with

*nights like that

Misled. Misunderstood. Missed out. Miss me.

Within my lifetime I will live in British Columbia, Prince Edward Island, Netherlands, Stockholm, and

It's this side of the bed, this time of year, this sad music, and this shit all over again.

Another tiring day of trying to shape yourself based on the philosophies of poison, critical thinking, literature, and money. I chew on this stuff til its mush and then swallow down self pity and hate. The alarm is sounding, someone else's heart is pounding, my ground is curved, is this table actually shaking? My teeth feel fragile and the weight of these books are too much for my bones. My eyes are wandering onto everything. There is interest and no motivation. Sweating cold sweats and panting moans of breaths. Are you sure this is what you want? Bloody nailbeds, smeared mascara, failed dreams and all. WHY DO WE LIE? Or why do I not trust the words that laugh in my mind?

The meaning to this silence

We're quiet and shy for once. Don't be afraid of my pearly whites. You trigger this luminescent smile and this bounce in my heart. We'll start from a clean slate, just go slow. I beg you for salvation and refuge. I will reciprocate. Poke out of that cramped shell and reveal everything that is all kinds of beautiful. I will keep your secrets and mend your aches. The dammed. The stupid. The vile. The meek. I've dropped from the cliff and into the rocks before, I know the weary shakes, the trembles. You can have all the empathy, sympathy, comfort. I'm walking with you through this dreamland too. No man is an island.

My first free-of-work Saturday ever and I sat on my furry rug with my laptop on my bed and watched a movie in my room in this empty townhouse. I sat in total silence and just watched. Physical reactions such as tearing up and laughing were thought of but not carried out and I focused little on everything else going on. Sure, maybe this is what people usually do when they watch movies, but it isn't for me. I used to fantasize, in the worst way possible, how EVERY screen show was related and would foreshadow every bit of own life. I'd romanticize and even direct my actions towards some script and hope for the better. Sometime last year I stopped watching movies. I stopped hoping. I stopped romanticizing. I watch things now and can't pin point a single method to imitate. I don't need this. And I only realized the connection between three things today. In a big way I'm still angry, perhaps even still a bit bruised. But that was probably the big reality check that I needed to end this media reliant fantasy. I'm not always gonna have a happy ending and I don't need Hollywood to tell me what to do and how people will act. My lust for love is little now and in a way that's kinda what I need too. So thank you again I guess.

I've been smiling for too long

I don't understand why this can't be okay.

Set my heart straight: three turn ons

admiration glares
odd attractive
kiss my hand

No this is how it works:

You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like. And try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into some, someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood. And walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed. And even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

I can still keep you in mind even when you're not in my arms.

Goodie GOODIE

There was a brand new sparkle of tinged foliage and musique en français to bring in the New Year. A pot of butter pasta and butterfly shrimp scattered on a tray to support and warm our fiend-ish hearts. Posture like a grandma. We can cook a meal in 30 minuets and converse about 50 other topics. Everyone always just almost misses countdown. Red faces and tears being pushed out of my skull from laughing way too hard. All men have secret savings. Bobbing your head instead of swaying your hips to a big black speaker. Dancing all slump and stiff as we clenched our bodies to ourselves as the beat continued. Stirring sticks do belong in big sofas. Hearing chaos below you and being told that you look interesting by a threesome of move script strangers. You feel like acidic shit but everything's gonna be okay. Everything was more than okay. We witnessed the havoc of New Year's Eve festivities take a toll on the city. Walked the streets like we knew things cause we were the only ones standing. Giggling fits that trail our path. Broken dreams made at the broken hub that used to be home. But the people that you see and hear while standing in the middle of everything make you feel less of a monster. The passerby conversations and reunions. When the goal of your night is to get a hot dog, you know no other priorities. It's a different world on the very last day. Everything from 10PM Dec. 31 - 8AM Jan 1 meant everything.