Teenage Dirtbag

You'd think that I'm just afraid but I know I have the upper hand. And it's this power that gives me all the control, and I just abuse it. Abuse you. But you don't know it. It's difficult to see pass the substance and your lack of. Where's my chase? I can steer this boat in any direction but every few days I just get so tired and I want to escape. You can belt, "No she doesn't know what she's missing." all you want. To follow the footsteps of another confused friend would put me in that same place. We're in a pickle. And this time it's my fault.

On a Thursday

I got tired of knowing the reality of things. I wanted to see the special effects. Now I can dream in kaleidoscope. Sticker books can display a day. Purchases create one's daily life. Every setting. Colours make me cry. Sweat is too wet. Skulls and mosquitoes equal death. The beast is hungry and the night is young. Washrooms make for a different experience. The kid's don't deserve this. Caution signs excerpt no caution at all. Lay on your back and look at the sky. Each sentence; a different thought. Chocolate. We can finish each others' sentences. I never want to centre my life to one person either. Nature can breathe. Bookmarks disappear. You're still running in my mind. Signs do work. Put your head on her shoulder. Fear the pressure, perspiration, need to pee, beating hearts, heavy chatter, and disappearances. We needed that hug. We still need each other.

Eight ways to win my heart...

We have to be able to converse in song.
Leggo climbing.
Please don’t dream so big with me. It only sets me up for too much.
Allow me to drop everything to watch Degrassi.
Tell me everything about one topic.
Let me be what I am and still smile.
Have funky hair once.
Do a gazillion strange things to assure me that I’m not alone.
Do something a fictional character would do.
Don’t smother and don’t disappear.

now how many people your best friend has had sex with?
maybe everyone. maybe no one. maybe a few.

Did the last person you kiss have piercings?
no.

Do you dislike the last person you kissed?
no.. its cool that we dont talk.

When's the last time you kissed someone?
juuune.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
yeees.

Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?
...i dont recall having these words passed onto me. i dont think i wanna hear them. they sound..ugly.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
dad. but that was a short goodnight. im sorry that i was so grumpy today.

Do you have trust issues?
HELLLZ TO DA YEEEEA!

What were you doing at 3am?
talking to luma via fb chat. having the time of our lives discussing how life is not the time of our lives.

Has anything happened to you in the past month that made you really mad?
...you mean being alive? everything has made me mad this past month.

Something funny happen last night?
...on cash today when the girl and her mom were arguing about the size of the shorts that the girl wanted to buy and she was like, "WHY DO YOU WANT A FAT DAUGHTER?!" more to love thats why :)

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
the ability to be okay.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
still i have not...i no longer dream about that anyways...maybe i lie

Are you a good speller?

I is

What were you doing at 5am this morning?
IT IS 5AM THIS MORNING!

Have you done anything crazy lately?
apparently nothing is crazy enough for me.

Bet you're missing someone now?
how did you know. no im not missing people. i just wish...fuck off everyone.

Do you like country music?
....

Do you like your life as of now?
i dont wanna be a sad sally but no. i could though.

Would you hook up with the last person you texted?
...i txtd no one today. well my brother...so no.

Do you want to be single?
i am single. do i want to be? hm. yes. unless i find someone who would not mind me being me in every terrible form...but still. perhaps i am saving the world from the worst atomic bomb if i stay single.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
no. he...thouht we got awkward.

Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now?
nope. in this negative whole in the world that is my floating self...relationships donut exist.

Do you want someone dead?
no. but yea.

What are you listening to right now?
i just heard a bus outside and my rabbit is drinking water.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
talking to luma. but she is sleeping. reposing. catching so zzzzz's.

Do you mind sleeping on the floor?
nah bee. i take whatevers given to me.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today?
...it was twitter. but tommy on twitter.

Is anything wrong right now?
everything is actually okay...besides my outlook on things and the fact that i cnt go out for a run til this finch and yonge man is gone.

Where did the shirt you are wearing come from?
siiiigh. black market.

How do you feel right now?
unbearable.

Did the last person who hurt you ever apologize?
no one ever apologizes to me. everyone thinks they can get off scot free.but no. i have feelings too.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
no. i lie to people all the time. other things bother me.

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
lol rachel and i just did that on friday. but i slept sittin up. and then i realized that that cranked all my joints.

Is there someone you wish you were still close with?
...once again. like everyone.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
cant think of one person that would make me forget everything. but if there was a person, cause i know there used to be many, then id want them. but i dont see people like that anymore. maybe i just dont see. refuse to?

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
id like to.

Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don't?
telling them that you don't.

Have you ever cried in front of a friend?
with them knowing and without them knowing. i have a skill for this trait.

Has anyone ever drunk called / texted you?
not for a while. who would ever think about me when theyre drunk?!

Are you someone who worries too often?
i dont worry. i know when trouble is around.

Does anyone have feelings for you?
no.

Which did you discover first, Myspace or Facebook?
MySpace.

Who was the last person to give money to you?
lumaaa.

Are you happy with the choices you've made?
yea. not with the choices that are set though.

Do you own a digital camera?
not of my own. but i will look into it.

What grade is the last person you texted in?
going to gr 12

Do you have a best friend(s)?
..................well i have vigigi now.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
not in recent.

What was the most memorable thing that happened this summer?
giiiiirl talk!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
yeeeeeeeeeeeea.

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
LIFE

Have you ever felt like you actually loved someone?
once...thats not healthy

Do you like hugs or do you freak out when people hug you?
i dont like hugs anymore. WOW IM NOT A BUNDLE OF JOY

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
twice when we were babes

Will you be under the influence of alcohol today?
i could. but ill do that tmrw.

Have you ever felt replaced?
yes. yes i do. yes i am.

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?
lmaoo yeeeeeeea.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
closed.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
plastic bins filled with shit, pictures, albums, yearbooks, bags, cameras, camera equip. a memory box. a plastic bag with i forget. and a puzzle.

Are you texting the last person you kissed?
no. but maybe ill say happy belated.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
like gettin out of the habit of running.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
yep. but i always remember joe saying that the best way to wake up is to get up right away. truth.

Did you meet any new friends this year?
...not really.

Do you hate anyone?
not really. but mostly.

Did you change at all this year?
i dont think for the better but i believe that this is who i am.

Met someone who changed your life?
yes.

Had friends who were drifting away from you?
maybe too many.

This time last year, what was your relationship status?
single but kissing torres.

Are you easily scared by scary movies?
yes.

How old will you be in 3 years?
22...whoa

Who did you first see this morning besides family?
...work. customers...

Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?
alwayssss.

Footsteps on the concrete

Set up for disappointment when I realized that I'd rather stroll through vengeful dreamland instead of being a normal party hardy 19 year old. But isn't ever day like this? Room for anything with no expectations. It was fun. I sometimes wish we could just be in contact with people without talking. Sound. As in flawless. But the bad buzzes always come at the very end of the night. When you see 3 or more streetcars go by. When you're just aching to leave. When you feel obliged to make conversations. When you regret wearing those heels for this night. When strangers want to be your friends. When assholes steal your bike seat. When you hear birds chirping and you're still not home. When you wish teleportation was real. When drunken truth paints you blue.

When will I see positive light again?

Nine thins about yourself. Myself.

I’m a homebody now. Finally that Cancer trait that I never believed in has settled in.

Used to be an open book but now I don’t want people to know everything about me. So some of these will be a lie.

No poise. No posture. Very clumsy. Constantly spilling things. All the toes of my shoes are ruined because I stumble too much. Drop objects all the time because my hands are too small. Something weird will happen because my ankles give in a lot.

Perhaps I am too sentimental. Too fragile. Too naive. Too everything that can classify a human to be weak.

Don’t ask me what my favourites are because I have none. If I say something is my favourite then it’s a lie.

I pity the fool.

I took ballet from ages 3-6.

I want a Hummer. Imagine a tiny girl in a biggus car.

After searching for it for 4 years, I’m ready to stop my search. I think I can regret that walk away.

Please be pleased, please?

I don't want these daydreams anymore. Sweet, twisted, carnal, lethal, hopeless, hopeful, lucid, possible, remarkable. Everything that I wish could happen is beginning to take over. But none of it is really here. And I wait still. Til everything around me disappears. In a tree, through a window, in your room, talking about birds. Come tomorrow to my window. That's what it meant. One day. If what picturing somethin makes it so, I picture that we'll be tender.