I'm sorry

Well the truth is that I miss you so.

But I can't stop...

Oh, do I have a speech prepared for you. We'll finally unveil all those skeletons in the closet. I'll tell you what's right, wrong, acceptable, intolerable. I'll finally say our faults. We can expand on apologizes back and forth. You can continue making excuses for everything. I'll tell myself over and over again that I can't continue tormenting myself for you. And then I'll just let it all out. This is just a minor collision towards the triumphant happiness that I've been dreaming of for two years. This will be the day that I've been waiting for.

Stonewalled

It's driving me insane that I've been crossing my fingers, wishing at 11:11s, searching for wish chips, going through familiar paths, and praying at every moment. It's terrible to think that you're the only thing standing in between me and you.

I'm wishing for that truck again.

I know I screwed myself over on that one. But I had suggested the same for myself, and I've come to the idea repeatedly for the last two years. So how come when someone else says it, it just hurts even more? I put in my time, money, focus, passion, and direction into this one thing. I hope you get scolded for breaking dreams.

Much much too perfect.

My favourite words are...

Perhaps. Faulty.
Onomatopoeia. Euphoria.
Cavalier. Dainty.
Shit. Juvenescent.
Witty. Remarkable.
Haughty. Kaleidoscope.

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

It's funny how things work out sometimes. :)

As I was on my way to work and listening to all the same songs while riding the same two buses I began to just drift away. And then suddenly I began to wonder how'd I end up doing everything I did today? When I follow a routine, I become a droid. A sad and mindless droid who's unable to really live out. Everything about my journey seemed so automatic, too automatic. It freaks me out that I live like this.
And when I was at work, I began to fall in love with the noises that a vacuum makes. It was really strange but it sounded like a symphony at one point. Except there was a tall, blank-stare man walking towards me as the eerie and pressuring noises of the vacuum grew louder and louder. It was a stupid funny concept that continued to build in my head during my 30minuet vacuuming chore.
Once again, I can't believe I live like this.

I saw sparks.

Even I thought it was all a dream! As I paced over with a cheek-acing smile on my face and surges of giggles flowing out of my teeth, I only begged for someone not to pinch me and wake me up. Even as I try to look back on it, I still think of it as completely unreal, a second period daydream during class, my favourite dream.

And the public thinks we're nice together.

You are my sweetest downfall

I've changed and I actually find alot of it a shame. I remember when writing this blog didn't have to include backspacing, editing, and taking an extra 2 minuets to come up with a decent flow. I remember there used to be something in me that would be able to express anything so easily and so freely without having a shame or giving a damn. And I remember when I could remember everything that was funny the night before.

So I went through my blog logs and tried to see when did everything go wrong. Not only did I find a season long corruption that had actually built up this absurd and breaking habit, but I also found another shame.

I'm sorry I didn't promise. You told me to really take in the conversation and all of the lessons within it; but I failed. I remember feeling some sort of power and charge when you broke it all down for me. But as evils overshadow the genuine good in people, I had slipped into this sin that I can never have back while I had erased every little detail that you tried to imprint in me. I actually don't hold that clean heart and healthy conscience that you entrusted in me.

Perhaps it all fell down because we both broke over that period of time. To even myself, it still sounds like a pathetic excuse, but maybe because we didn't keep in touch as much as we had before, I had actually forgotten what it was you said. I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that your words mean everything to me, and that I can't function alright without you routinely at my side. But I'm also stopped by the fact that when you do get a dose of the surreal beauty and truth that you wish you could receive every single day, it tends to stick within you even more.

Either way, all that I really want to say is that I'm sorry to you and myself for not remaining saved. For as long as I can, I'll make bigger attempts to hold onto your word. I always want you to remember me as that little girl with a clean heart and healthy conscience.

I was serious when I said that I don't know what I'd do without you.

We're all sprouting and it's making me very excited and antsy. Disregard our lack of IDs, our academic levels, or our uniforms, or whatever other crap that validates us to students. Everyday just makes me realize how much older we're getting. We can actually look at photos and call ourselves babies. The days we spend with others are straight from middle aged romantic comedies. And the nights that we waste together are like restricted comedies. To the people that I'm still in contact with; I'm so glad to know that we grew up together.