nte:

When I'm finished this semester I'm gonna seriously kick ass. If this semester doesn't kick my ass.

Seatbelt Hands

Someone wrote a song bout me.

She's the kind of lady that calls everybody baby
honey, sugar, sweetie, she's always making friends
and she keeps us all locked outside her thick leather skin
she always starts with a smile, it's small and butter yellow
but easier than a handshake, doesn't like her hands touched
she tans alot, gets burnt alot smoking through the cartons
but then gets put out so much, she's considered a bargain
she was born on the fourth of july with her hand on her heart
loves america, & being patronized, no one ever told her to guard her heart
she was an angel for halloween once, but never again
and for christmas ever year she's haunted by demons
they always tell her they love her.

she used to believe in innocence until she lost it
and spent a long summer, riding the trains
she has cats and collectors plates to keep her sane
watching TV in her favorite chair...both of which are rented
she's alone, and surrounds herself with loners
her life is a loan, lent out to anyone who will own her
waiting for the night to sweep her off her feet, while she mops the bathroom floor
hoping for a winning ticket or a man to treat her right
but they're both a gamble and she's been a loser all her life
and if she had a nickel for every time she's been punched and kicked
she'd put it together with her camel cash, try to buy some happiness
they always tell her they love her, but then they take something from her.

she would always show us her dreams
they were crumpled up like leaves from holding on too tight
scattered in her shoebox coffin on the cardboard walls covered in butterflies
she's got love in her heart for her babies, and hope in her mind for tomorrow
and blood on her hands that only she sees, holding the last bit of time that's borrowed
but you never know where that heart has been, and we'll never know how hard it's been
I wanna cut open my chest and let her in, but that won't fix what needs to mend
and she stands there unlit cigarette in hand
filling up that empty hole with anything that'll pour
insides hanging out like a flare, warning.
there's beauty in that pain, can you see it?
she's crashing through life with seat belt hands
one accident away from a miracle
and there's an honesty there, but I can't take it all in
she hides the worst of it in the wrinkles
that's the ache you get when there's no where else to go.
and she's got no where else to go, she doesn't want to go there.
so I promise I'll go with her.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I don't believe anything she says anymore.
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No.
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Most of the week that just passed.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I tend to.
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? There's no one.
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Community skinny sweats. Mexican floral tank. Giant whit cardigan.
8. How often do you listen to music? Very often but I don't know what I'm listening to.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? I guess I wear jeans more? But I don't where jeans.
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? I have that hope.
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Anti
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘B’? rando(n)
13. What about ‘S’? ...no.
14. Can you drive a stick shift? nope.
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I don't mind the opinion of others. But I wonder why about it.
16. Are you going out of town soon? I wish. Maybe we should make that happen.
17. When was the last time you cried? A week ago I guess.
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Not to whom it mattered most.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you? Not actually.
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? I did at one point.
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I know I have work later.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Thass de weight.
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? nooo.
24. What are you sitting on right now? wooden chair
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? People from work? Virginia?
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? ...is that not the story of my life...
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Dad
28. Do you get a lot of colds? only after winter.
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Value Village.
30. Does anyone hate you? Not possible but very probable.
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? Everywhere in my room.
32. Do you like watching scary movies? NOOO!
33. Do you want your tongue pierced? nope.
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? ooooh. maybe gr.11? maybe 12? maybe this year?
35. Did you have a dream last night? YE! it was odd but i cnt remember it.
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? i tell virginia and michael erryday
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? too young.
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I can't think of anyone who would
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Could be.
40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Yes and No
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Noope. Well very unofficial. Basically no.
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? he workplace
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Long ago.
44. What’s the best part about school? PERSONALITY PSYCHOLOGY!
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? yes.
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? no.
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? always.
48. Were you single over the last summer? over every summer.
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? nope. went backwards and forwards in the opposite ends of my priorities.
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? sleeping. or maybe model making.
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? no. i cnt do that.
52. Are you nice to everyone? nope.
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? ...yes. and then i didnt admit to it.
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? yes.
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? no. and yes apparently.
56. Do you think you like someone? no.
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘T’? teej
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? boys. but life keeps surrounding me with girls.
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? yep
60. Do you hate anyone? very few.
61. How’s your heart? delicate, dusty, and willing
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? theres a few
63. Have you ever cried over a guy? ...hmmm
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? i could only think of one
65. Are your toenails painted pink? no :(
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? is there any such hing as a mistake?
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? i would.
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? i dont think so.
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? mommm.
70. How do you look right now? like tired.
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? i dont have them but i know some others and very close enoughs.
72. Can you commit to one person? yes.
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? i choose not to tell anyone everything.
74. Have you ever felt replaced? those are what the bad days are made of.
75. Did you wake up cranky? kinda.
76. Are you a jealous person? not really. well too passive aggressive to give any proof.
77. Are relationships ever worth it? im positive that anything that extinguishes your energy has to be worth it.
78. Anyone you’re giving up on? i did enough that i dont have to anymore.
79. Currently wanting to see anyone? currently wanting to see everyone.
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? ...start my model...or my essay...or that other essay...
81. Last person you cried in front of? mustve been a while ago.
82. Is there someone you will never forget? everyone i will never forget.
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? i bet he bashes me.
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? this was my scenario thinking tonight. i came up with some bad highdeas.
85. Are you over your past? nope.
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? so badly.
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? nope. well i know i can i just dont.
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? i did that. still didnt work out.
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? depends on the weather. but mostly yes.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? ive liked someone who i hated.
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? fat chance but chance at least.
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? i know so many and i adore one deeeeearly
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? his name is druglord and only in my dreams
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? no i wasnt and things were going shit
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? were is past tense.
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? she looks like lady gaga
97. Who do you have texts from? huh? mole, vigigi, twittah
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? ive been here. before. a few times. "oh. wow. great? so happy for you..."
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yes.
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? a spongebob cd case and me...
101. Ever kissed under fireworks? did we kiss that night? i dont remember.
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? those are missed.

I think maybe I do need you in my life. I would like to take 217 the Art of Informal Speech. You have her eyes. I miss you too. The last two days have been aimless (but not pointless) walking. One Day. Need more good mornings again. Another J.B. oh geeze. Should do my M. I meant that for the other us. That really is how things should be. I can't wait to hear these CDs. I still need to go shopping. Everything will be alright. Something good will come along.

Four turn offs- how not to win my heart

bland nature
cliché/borrowed sentences
...ugly pants
nice, new, and perfect everything

Five peeps who mean a l00t

As much as I love list i try not to rank people. But dad above all.

Standing on a

He didn't know that I could see him, he didn't know the inspiration he really was. Pacing back and forth, I modeled your steps from afar too. Street distances and I could still see your heavy breathing and the blood rush to your face. This wasn't gonna be jump kiddo. A glance at the street below and in he went. Crystal clear. No one jumps. Sometimes we just need better altitudes and solitude. The gift of isolation and definite grace. I fled. The sky turned black and streetlights led me to the place I knew best, the place that I felt best last, ever in this lifetime. Those concrete hills were so much higher before. This wasn't gonna be a jump kiddo. I had just found my happy place.